That was the title of a WSJ article David sent me yesterday. The subject of
his email was "you and me." It was hilarious to see how accurately it described our natural tendencies and struggles.
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Can 'the Planner' and 'Winging It' Live Happily Ever After?
Michelle Nicholson's vacation to the Alps with her husband, Shannon, had more than its share of high points. The night train from Salzburg, Austria, to Zurich wasn't one of them.
Mr. Nicholson, who hates to lock into a plan when traveling, had decided not to book sleeper accommodations in advance. And so the couple made the overnight trip sitting up in a crowded compartment. Ms. Nicholson cried.
The night will probably go down as Exhibit A in Ms. Nicholson's ongoing case for planning ahead. Unlike her husband's seat-of-the-pants approach to travel, Ms. Nicholson likes to lay the groundwork weeks in advance of a trip.
At least once, though, her approach backfired. The couple, who live in Flat Rock, N.C., had to forfeit a hotel room they'd reserved, and about $125, after they missed a train from Zurich to Munich.
This didn't go unnoticed by Mr. Nicholson. "I was upset about spending the money on a room that sat vacant," says Mr. Nicholson, 41, an online reputation manager. "But I was appeased that we were back on my plan of No Planning for that night."
Ms. Nicholson, 42, chief creative officer for a publicity firm, sees it another way. "He said, 'I told you so,' but I said, 'If you'd planned ahead and gotten the train time correct, we wouldn't have been in that mess.'"
Sure, a planner can fall in love with a non-planner. But can they make the relationship work?
"Opposites attract," says Lisa Brateman, a licensed social worker and therapist in Manhattan who specializes in relationships. "We often look to others to fill in the pieces that we are not quite as good at."
This works well for some couples. A partnership between one person who is good at planning and one person who isn't can be ideal if both parties willingly accept their roles and neither harbors resentment.
That's a big "if." Often, each person feels controlled by the other.
The planner may begrudge having to do all the planning and feel the non-planner is lazy or, worse, trying to manipulate by resisting the plans. The non-planner may feel micro-managed, as if his or her wishes don't matter, or that the planner is killing all the spontaneity.
Jane Dauber, a senior account manager at a Seattle marketing firm, is a planner. She sends her husband Outlook reminders of things he needs to do, keeps short- and long-term to-do lists and color-codes the family calendar—a different-colored pen for each person.
Her husband, Todd Connor, a freelance graphic designer, typically works 50- to 60-hour weeks and likes to use his spare time to relax. The couple used to argue about planning. But over the course of 11 years of marriage, they came up with ways to compromise, including something they call the "By When?"
If Mr. Connor says he is going take care of something—say, painting their 8-year-old daughter's room—Ms. Dauber will ask, "By when?" Mr. Connor then gets to choose his own deadline, and his wife can't nag him in the meantime. If he blows this deadline, though, Ms. Dauber gets to make the plans to accomplish the task. She still isn't allowed to berate him, and he can't nix her plans. "Before, we felt like we were having the same argument over and over: 'When are you going to do this?' " Ms. Dauber says. "Now, we have a great system."
Mr. Connor agrees. "She is more agreeable and pleasant when she feels she doesn't have to nag me. And I feel I am being heard and being allowed to work something out on my own schedule," he says.
On busy weekends, Ms. Dauber gets one day to make all the plans she wants for the couple and their daughter. Mr. Connor gets the other day, which involves no plans—the family just takes it as it comes.
Behind every planner and non-planner is the desire to feel emotionally in control, therapists say. Planners often feel apprehensive about the prospect of unstructured time; making plans gives them a sense of control. It's the opposite with non-planners, who tend to feel a loss of control when their time is too structured.
Before you start claiming that women are better than men at planning, or vice versa, let me assure you that psychologists say either gender can be planning-challenged.
I like to see my calendar filled up. A lack of plans makes me feel lonely, as if time will stretch on endlessly without change or the possibility of something interesting happening. My need to have plans can sometimes drive my more laid-back friends nuts.
Jim and Sandy Deckman, of Sequim, Wash., have had their share of disagreements about planning over the 44 years of their marriage.
Recently, Mr. Deckman, a 68-year-old dentist, became frustrated by how he and his wife continuously talked about having friends over to dinner but never actually did it. So he gave her a deadline to make a list of people to invite. (She's still working on it.)
Mr. Deckman says it makes him feel efficient to make lists of things to do and keep a detailed calendar. Ms. Deckman, a 67-year-old nurse, says planning stresses her out because she likes to do a lot of research before making a decision. "I procrastinate and then work better under pressure," she says.
For eight months earlier this year, the couple discussed taking a trip to Italy and weighed different options: Venice or Rome? Should they study Italian first? What if Ms. Deckman had to babysit her grandchild in September? They never made a plan.
Then one day Mr. Deckman snapped. He decided they would rent a house in Verona in October and wrote up a detailed eight-day itinerary, including times for walks and naps. "The only way I was going to get there was if I made the plans," he says.
Ms. Deckman says she was relieved. But she was also happy that her husband let her make one decision about the trip: "He left the rental car to me because he knows, from experience, that I will do the research to get a better deal."
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203802204577066160489067008.html
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We have certainly tried to come up with our own methods for maintaining balance. Recently I bought a dry erase board to keep track of "the list" of things we are working on. David promises to do the things on his list, but on his own timing. Saturdays are usually our day to "get things done" and Sundays are unstructured (after church). Our biggest struggle remains planning vacations.....so I asked David to plan one for my birthday instead of any presents! I hope it will encourage planning out of David and spontaneity out of me!
